Fears and sadness.
2017-08-29 @ 18:45:12
Today is my 22th b-day.
Oh my gosh I feel so old!
Many things changed even If I have really boring life.
I met Win-chan, I’m so thankful! I met my crush and other therapists I am thankful too!
But I can see I have obession. I fear about getting older so much! Its not about getting old like grandmom. I fear I don’t look like teenager anymore. Many people says to me I look still like 12, 14, or 16. But some says I look like 40 and its makes me down soo much. I know it’s really egoistic but I can’t get it off my brain even if there are more people who says I look like kid than ones who said I look old, I care more about the second than frist opinion.
Today even old man in the shop called me „Mr” I felt it is proof that I look old. I know that older people call even teenagers „mr” but I can’t stop feeling sad.
Maybe tomorrow I will go visit my new school. They will show me bulding and will say what I have to buy. I fear my future classmates won’t appcet me. They mostly will be 16.
I am 22 and it’s mean that I’m much older than them.
I fear if I will try socialize with them they will think I pretented to be teen to suit them better. I fear also that age gap show us that we are into in not the same things etc
Today is my b-day.
The therapist who care about what my life is going on (call him J-Kun) texted me with wishes. It was soo nice!
My crush (call him D-kun) didin’t text me.
He won’t text me. I am sure.
He never texted me back, so why he should care about wishes?
Yeah I know he is busy, but J-kun always reply me and he has as the same job as D-kun. They even work at the same place.
Yeah sometimes J-kun reply me after two or more days, cause he is busy. I don’t care how long I have to wait! I care about he cares about me.
And D-kun dosen’t care at all! He is nice to me, but J-kun is even nicer! Call me Princess and he care about me, ask how my life going on, Cherring for me, and he said he likes me (in friendly way, cause he has lovley girlfriend!) and he said he missed me when we met after long time
D-kun never said anything like that.
Sometimes I even thnk D-kun dosen’t like me and J-kun is the one who I should have crush on.
My mind is full of fear and sadness. It’s not what I should think before starting new school!
In Poland new school year opening ceremony is usually in 1th september , but in that year it will start in 4th september. I fear that I won’t finish that book what I’m reading right now.
There less than 100 pages left, book is intresting itself but I feel like I’m blocked and I can’t read more.
I watched „1 litre of tears ” drama again It felt so close cause I’m disabled myself and our disablites are somewhat smilar, but my disablity won’t progress. It won’t get worse and I won’t die. I am thankful!
I want to watch movie version (I prefer the movie, cause it’s more close to the orginal story) but my laptop-chan is mute so I have to watch on my phone anyway.
I did werid thing.
I made blog, a diary for character who I made in my head . She dosen’t exit but she have her own diary! Her name is Laura, she is 14 years old rebel goth . She also wheelchair user like me . I write her diary in polish. Many vievers says I should write my diary in polish, but I won’t do it cause I want improve my english skills.
Also I fear If I write my diary in polish D-kun would somehow find my blog and read all the things about himself! I’d be so embrrased! He dosen’t know any english so I feel safe and I can leting my fears out

So that all for today. I hope my new school year will be lucky for me!
Long time no see!
2017-08-21 @ 10:47:05
Many things changed.
I don't know where to start.

Let's start with my camp.
I was happy I was there, but I'm worried I won't go back there cause new therapist simply aren't good. My mom noticed that and she wants to go to another camp. I'm a bit sad. I won't miss new therapist, but the other ones... Yeah they are dear to me even if I'm not dear to them. I mean I feel like one of them really cares about whats's going on with my life and it's really nice.

I had fight with my main therapist. We both have bad temper and we both are stubborn
I didin't want to listem to him and I left without premission.
At frist I trought he is too bossy and too sensetive but after two days I realized I was wrong and I said I'm sorry.

He also noticed that I have crush on my other therapist ( yeah the one form the last post) He ( main therapist) said:
- I see you look at him with those sparkly eyes
-Can't you find someone worse for me? - I said wihle begin nervous and he stared for me with sad look at his face.

About my therapist crush... I only had only one therapy with him. Only cause that my main therapist couldn't be in job that day.
Our other concats was about smilling in the corridor, saying "hi" and small talks. Nothing much.
Now I'm only waiting for his facebook and instagram updates to see how his life is going.
There is no point to text him. He won't reply anyway . I tried two times. He is too busy or dosen't like me at all. I feel like stalker.

There is hope for new school for me. In english I'd call it technical school for disableds My major will be office worker. There will be uniforms (yay!) all-girls grades, many therapies and many other things.
It's only one problem. In the school u have to be mentally disabled or both physically and mentally disabled. I'm only physically disabled, but I will fight about that school, cause I think it's a big chance me. I will go trought test and I will see If I will be apcceted or not.

Thats everything for today!
Take care!

Edit: I got apcetted to school!
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