It's March and nothing's changed
2013-03-04 @ 16:46:57
I had an idea for my future, for my career but the thought of continuing my professional life in the same direction really does not seem like a perfect life for me. Most people just think that it is about the money and taking risks but it's not at all. I'm not afraid of taking risks or losing my money. I'm afraid of placing myself somewhere for the rest of my life with no way of getting back or somewhere where I don't fit.
About my relationship, I feel like I'm done but I keep dragging this into my horrible days and dreadfull nights when I dream the worst dreams of my life. It's easy to say: It's not about you, it's me, but the truth is, it is always about the other person. I've changed, and I keep changing and that scares me, really... The idea of us no longer together, the idea of me somewhere else than here in my room. Somewhere far without family or friends...meeting new people who I won't know if I might trust. And the hardest thing is to go through it alone. My life without him, would it be bareable? Can I do this alone? After so many years of knowing that the person is waiting for me in his car when I finish work. I used to love this idea and now I wish there would be a way that I could live without it. Can this be called love after all?
I wonder what's keeping me here and whom I owe something.
more mistakes to come
2012-12-24 @ 13:26:30
Guess I'll never learn. You do something, you realize it's the most excruciating thing you've ever done and when time lets you forget about it, you do it again. How stupid.
It's the coldest December of my life I think. I thought this is gonna be nice and you know, warm like always this time of the year when it's Christmas. However, the thing is I don't feel like Christmas at all. I've got no love to keep me warm. He is but it's like we're a thousand miles apart. Now, I'm thinking about what I should've done long time ago. It gets balls to do this and I've never had them...
So I'm just going to shrivel in piece, wrapped in my blanket with a cup of coffee and try not to worry too much about everything. I'm not in love anymore and don't know how to tell this to a man who I loved for so many years.
It's like a broken glass that cannot be fixed. I tried, though. Shame it is only me who did that...
Anyways, Merry Christmas to anyone who's ever gonna read that today.
And then things started to get complicated...
2012-09-15 @ 17:38:33
It's been a while since I posted something here...
The funny thing, it hasn't happened much.
I got my MA, I'm doing a driver's licence.
The overwhelming and omnipresent apathy has been following in my wake.
Now it's getting worse.
Today, I think, it's the climax of it all.
I realized a few things that I've known for a long time, it's just that it must have taken me some time to figure it out:
One thing is that my relationship isn't progressing and isn't showing any signs of perspective.
Another thing is, as the days go by, I am getting more and more depressed and angry with my life and how I've arranged it. How I fucked it up is more accurate.
Everything could have been different...
Another thing is that my professional life isn't doing well either.
I haven't been working for like 3 months and I'm getting tired of this standstill. No money, no stress. All I do is sleep and sit in front of my comp.
Books are left unread.
Listen to the static
2012-04-23 @ 12:52:31
I found a new way of dealing with problems: work and money.
Nothing makes me happier than a fluent cash flow and keeping things going.
Not only did I realize that my chances of getting MA degree are getting higher, but also I found an incredible strength in me that I'm about to use in the forseeable future.
My aspirations as an artist have been turned down a bit because I don't want to get distracted by innovative ideas about what my photos should look like, and models and ensambles, hair and make-up etc...
Instead, I've been immersing myself in books and linguistic research that I hope will result in the future.
Keep your fingers crossed and wish me luck.
In the meantime, I would appreciate any visit on my fanpage:
2012-03-02 @ 12:10:33
I'm 24 and I feel like I've wasted at least 5 years of my life.
I feel so old and useless.
Now I'm thinking about post graduate studies. Why do I want these things now when it's too late?
There are always some "could haves", "would haves", "should haves". However, time inevitably fades away and I just have to come to terms with the fact that I will never be a brilliant translator, nor a respected professor. I'm not cut out to have PhD although there are many people who think that I do things well, that I'm always prepared, that my desk is neat and tidy and books on my case are in alphabetical order....but truth to be told, I'm in a mess. I stay up late and the next thing I do in the morning is regret it. I have a boyfriend who may as well be my father and I don't even have a driving licence.
Just kiss me.
2012-01-03 @ 11:18:51
All of the sorrow I felt yesterday now has faded into the background.
Only two months and Spring will enter.
I've almost finished one shitty project that I've been struggling with.
Mornings are good. Took some vitamins and herbs and the world seems less frightening and overwhelming at once.
And Rachael Yamagata's new albums sounds much better than through yesterday chucking of inside monsters.
Now that I know that I am surrounded by people who love me and there is You. My favourite Work of Arts.
2012-01-01 @ 12:46:54
Don't forget who you are.
Say only what is true to you.
Don't think that it was meant to be.
Gonna make it on my own.
Always do what is right.
How will I keep them, when everything that I had wished for seems so distant, yet I desperately want myself back. All those moments between bigger moments; little but significant parts of my life. All that defined me and all because of which I felt so special. I want everything back.
Symptoms of Maturity
2011-11-10 @ 12:48:04
The thinnest line between us
Because I've never wanted that
To feel the rush of stream on my shoulders
when I only wanted to drift unwittingly.
You and I grew apart
Because none of us would accept the fact
That everybody changes no matter
how many times
you put your toothbrush into your cup
everyday invariably, as if it didn't matter.
You and I grew apart
Because when I listen to those songs
They don't fire my imagination
As if it was a child's tool
Now I'm building the life of my own.
You and I grew apart
Because if it hadn't happened
I would still be there standing with my arms
Because that's the way it goes
and neither of us know why
but that Previous Me says I should find my place.
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