A really sad note, just don't read it.
2013-02-09 @ 20:32:25
You know, in the very beginning when I was just starting with this blog I had this idea. The idea that I would write here and show all of the people out there that whatever happens, in whatever position life puts them, there is always a way out. The only thing is to try and fight for the important.
And so I tried, and so I did.
And just when I resigned from all the staff I could have done, it has just occured to me, what if it is not worth it? What if all I've done has no purpose? What if giving up so many things eventually will leave me with nothing?
I used to think that if a person knows what to do with his/her life, there is no limit, nothing could stop him/her. How foolish of me.
Because You see, it's not always that easy. It is not granted that your hard work will eventually pay off. It is not true that justice will find its way. And I've just learnt it the hard way.
I also thought that optimism can save you when everything else seems not to be working. I thought that optimism is a cure for stress that it is needed because it makes one's life easier.
And again I was wrong.
I just have this a little breakdown because I failed. I failed despite all the learning and all the hours I spent memorising and trying to understand staff. And eventually, as always, I spen twice as much time as anyone else, learning. And I failed. I've neglected people, because I thought that I had this aim - just to be good at one thing in my life, just to be the best.So I've neglected ... myself. I don't even have a thing I could boast about. Cause all my learning left me with the average result, or even fail, all my giving up in favour of this left me with no life besides my books. All of that made me more gloomy, more disappointed, and more a person as I never wanted to become.
All of this because I wanted to belive that things can get better. Apparently, when someone is doomed, even though he/she tries, there is nothing that can be done to change the situation. Nothing.
and it's fucking sad that I really mean what I've just written. 'Cause I don't want to be a counterargument to myself. But as much as I don't want it, that much I am.
Sorry. I'm really sorry.
And so I tried, and so I did.
And just when I resigned from all the staff I could have done, it has just occured to me, what if it is not worth it? What if all I've done has no purpose? What if giving up so many things eventually will leave me with nothing?
I used to think that if a person knows what to do with his/her life, there is no limit, nothing could stop him/her. How foolish of me.
Because You see, it's not always that easy. It is not granted that your hard work will eventually pay off. It is not true that justice will find its way. And I've just learnt it the hard way.
I also thought that optimism can save you when everything else seems not to be working. I thought that optimism is a cure for stress that it is needed because it makes one's life easier.
And again I was wrong.
I just have this a little breakdown because I failed. I failed despite all the learning and all the hours I spent memorising and trying to understand staff. And eventually, as always, I spen twice as much time as anyone else, learning. And I failed. I've neglected people, because I thought that I had this aim - just to be good at one thing in my life, just to be the best.So I've neglected ... myself. I don't even have a thing I could boast about. Cause all my learning left me with the average result, or even fail, all my giving up in favour of this left me with no life besides my books. All of that made me more gloomy, more disappointed, and more a person as I never wanted to become.
All of this because I wanted to belive that things can get better. Apparently, when someone is doomed, even though he/she tries, there is nothing that can be done to change the situation. Nothing.
and it's fucking sad that I really mean what I've just written. 'Cause I don't want to be a counterargument to myself. But as much as I don't want it, that much I am.
Sorry. I'm really sorry.